Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
