apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
