You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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