i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
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