I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
smell my finger.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
