I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
