I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
