I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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