My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
