sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
