he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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