Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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