I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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