sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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