How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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