I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
