Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
