Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
we're making bets on your personal life
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
