never play flip cup with pint glasses
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
