"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
