it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I could fuck to npr.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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