I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
