Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
