He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
there was a trapeze. enough said
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Found the puke drawer
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
