Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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