Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
