Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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