isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
