Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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