Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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