Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
