I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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