I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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