someone get that fucking seahorse.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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