cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
