Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
