I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
