get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize