I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
