I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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