sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
