I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
