...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
This baby is an asshole
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
