I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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