Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
