Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
