Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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