her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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