she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
