I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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