how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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