either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize