Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
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