She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
This couple is walking their pig around campus
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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