Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
