My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i think my mom watched the whole time
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
