come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
