Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize