i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
