Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize