I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
