I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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