Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
