i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
