his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
